Ever since early childhood, I carried a deep feeling of not quite belonging — to my family, my surroundings, or even my own life at times. My household swung between celebration and chaos, depending on my parents' volatile  relationship. From a very young age, I felt a strong sense of responsibility for my younger sibling’s safety and often stepped into the role of being the grown-up when there was chaos in the household.

I now see that these feelings came from the expectations and conditions that others and the world unconsciously place upon me.

At 18 , I married my childhood sweetheart. We married so young because of the pressure my parents placed upon us to not live in “Sin!”

 I had  two beautiful children in my mid-twenties, and after ten years of  feeling huge financial pressure , working multiple jobs and feeling like I was looking after 3 children , not two. I had totally lost myself. In truth , I never really knew who I was supposed to be. 

I was trying to be all things to all people. 

Perhaps my husband and I had just outgrown each other. Perhaps it was the drugs and alcohol. I tried to help . My husband said he didn't need help. I thought it was my fault.

 I was full of guilt so I walked out  taking only 3 garbage bags of clothes. One for each of us. 

I continued to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat. Cutting hair out of the salon in the evenings , teaching kids how to swim during the week , and working in a cafe kitchen on weekends . 

My working career began in hairdressing until a severe allergy to chemicals forced me to change direction. I found myself working in hospitality, learning every aspect of the business — from kitchen operations to front-of-house management. I was fortunate to learn from some of the best in the industry and was later invited to help establish a new restaurant for a large interstate company. That role included everything from designing the décor and layout to recruiting staff and creating operational systems — much of it learned on the fly!

I had by then , fallen in love with a wonderful man who embraced my boys and helped me discover my potential and was always encouraging. 

In the early 2000s, I had the incredible opportunity to redesign, renovate, and reopen a popular seaside restaurant that I had previously managed for two summers — a dream come true, 

My life partner at the time was the financial support and investor whilst my best friend and I were the creative team, designing the building , setup and operations of the day to day workings of a busy restaurant. 

But within five years, my world changed completely. 

My life partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was in shock and he was in denial for a time . He handled his illness with great faith despite his prognosis. Those two years were some of the darkest of my life. I felt lost, unable to really communicate my fears or uncertainties to even my closest friend and business partner. Going to work with only a few hours sleep and trying to stay as normal as possible for my boys and business partner…. I was coming undone , big time. 

It was late on a Friday evening driving home from the restaurant, exhausted, overwhelmed and distraught. I remember looking at a large tree as I drove down the dark road. And just for a moment I thought the unthinkable. I pulled over , sobbing and gasping for air. The next day I took myself to my trusted GP of many years. 

She wrote me a sick note to give to my business partner who didn't seem to realize at the time the magnitude of what I was feeling. 

 My only safe space was my GP, who gently encouraged me to take time away to be with my partner during his final days. I felt huge guilt for taking time away from work but it was a truly sacred and important time for me to spend with him. 

When he passed, I lost not only the love of my life but also the restaurant, my home, and my closest friendship. Most painfully, I had lost myself.

So, I went inward.

In the quiet of that darkness, I faced moments when life itself felt too overwhelming to continue. But slowly, something within me began to stir — a quiet strength, a small spark of awareness that helped me find my way forward.

I remember sitting on the front doorstep at sunrise the morning my partner died. Through tear-filled eyes, I watched the sky shift its colours and listened to the birds sing. Amid the grief, I felt an unexpected peace — a sacred stillness holding me. At that moment, I knew I was going to be okay.

I made a promise to myself that morning: to always stay true to who I am and to follow the quiet pull toward something greater than myself, whatever that might be.

The journey forward was slow and often frightening — like trying to reach the surface after being tumbled by a huge wave. But step by step, with simple habits and reflection, I began to rebuild. 

I read, I took time for silence, I surrounded myself with those who truly cared, and I released what no longer served me. Without even realising it, I was learning to live differently — and it felt good.

Over time, I discovered the deep, innate wisdom within me — the voice that had always been there but was hushed by the world’s expectations. Since that morning in March 2005, I’ve chosen to honour that voice and let it guide me forward.

In September 2010, I faced another life challenge when my mother became very ill and my father began to spiral. My mother was removed from my fathers care and placed under a guardianship order. I was finally able to spend time , alone, with my mother . Both of us , healing each other. Something my father never allowed. 

I knew I needed to seek help. 

My trusted GP referred me to a psychologist and I happened to see and add in the paper for a course on Practical Philosophy. Thinking that this would be a great distraction, I enrolled in September 2010. I am still a devoted student of the philosophy of Advita and its timeless wisdom. Little did I know that this was the key I had been searching for ….. 

Sitting with someone you trust, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a safe environment and to have a willingness to look at the patterns that have shaped our lives and to adjust the sails of life to head in another direction. Sharing practical insights that can shine a light on the bigger picture. 

Thanks to the teachings of ADVITA, my inner landscape has gone from being scattered , full of self doubt, quick to anger, always running late, hurting myself because I was always rushing and crashing into things.  

 To now, “Being” very centred, trusting my intuition totally, being calm and patient, early to appointments with time to meditate for a moment before starting the next task.

I have better relationships with those I love by developing strong boundaries but not barriers and feeling strong and healthy in a body I once hated. 

And so, my journey of awakening continues…. I have learnt so much , and now I have a burning desire to help others see a different way to BE in this crazy but beautiful world. .

Today, I live with deep gratitude for every experience — the joy, the loss, the lessons, and the growth. My purpose now is to share what I’ve learned: that even in our darkest moments, there is always light waiting to be found within us.

With love and gratitude;

Lea